


Brian Kinney's Plan for World Peace

by turnonmyheels



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-06-29
Updated: 2010-06-29
Packaged: 2017-10-10 07:50:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,045
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/97372
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/turnonmyheels/pseuds/turnonmyheels
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Brian has a plan</p>
            </blockquote>





	Brian Kinney's Plan for World Peace

"Boring, boring, doesn't work, got it, had it, boring, boring, didn't like it, boring." Brian sighed, closed the window of his browser and tapped his pen against the desktop. There had to be something, somewhere that he could buy for Justin to put in his ass that hadn't already been there, or would be better than what had already been in there.

Brian had thought long and hard about what to get the darling birthday boy, it wasn't every day one turned twenty-five, and so far sex toys were the only thing he'd come up with. He'd already footed the bill for Justin's year in Italy and there was no way he could swing a surprise visit; not now, with four new clients and three ad campaigns to launch.

Ideas were Brian's business and he was rapidly running out of them - never a good sign - but there _was_ one giant, beautiful, magnificent idea that he'd been toying with on and off for years. Brian stopped tapping his pen and used it to dial Ted's office.

"Ted Schmidt."

"Theodore! I need you in my office, now." Brian ended the call before Ted could respond and started a list.

"Brian? Is everything ok?" Ted asked as he walked in the door.

Brian smirked at Ted's nervousness. Confidence is what made the man, if Ted hadn't figured it out by now he never would. "I need your expertise."

"Well, that's what you pay me for. Is there something wrong with the books?"

"Not that expertise, Theodore. I need your Porn-King expertise."

"I, I, I can't imagine there's anything about sex you'd need my expertise with," Ted stammered out. "I mean, you're Brian Kinney. There's nothing you haven't done."

Brian waved Ted's comment away and rolled his eyes. "Your _porn_ experience. Remember those 33 dildos we bought you for your 33rd birthday?" Brian didn't wait for Ted's acknowledgement. "Were any of them spectacular?"

"They're dildos, Brian. By nature there's nothing spectacular about them." Ted shrugged his shoulder and relaxed into his chair.

"If you were going to make the perfect dildo, what kind of material would you use?"

"Is this a quiz I forgot to study for? A new client I haven't heard about?"

"No, nothing like that." Brian leaned back in his chair and propped both feet on his desk. "And quit avoiding the question, tell me about the greatest dildo you've ever used."

"Surely you have as much experience with them as I do."

"Using them on other people, sure." Brian shrugged.

"How could I forget? The great Brian Kinney doesn't like anything in _his_ ass, just getting in others." Ted rolled his eyes and laughed.

"Answer the question Porn-King." Brian growled out the words and hid a smile when Ted's relaxed posture tensed. Ted never knew how to take Brian's sense of humor.

"Well, I like glass, but if it gets nicked it's useless. Stone is nice, and the real-feel ones are pretty cool too."

Brian jotted down Ted's answers and huffed in frustration. "Typical. How about size? Do you prefer small, normal, big, or ... gargantuan?"

"Depends on my mood."

"Well, what kind of mood are you usually in?"

"Normal, I guess. Why are you taking notes?"

"I'm trying to make a business decision. Define normal." Brian held his pen poised over the legal pad. "Don't keep me waiting."

"Average, 6 inches or so." Ted held up his hands, to indicate length and then curled his fingers around to touch his thumb to indicate width.

"Why not something bigger?"

"You're serious aren't you?"

Brian sat up, put his feet on the ground, and with a straight face said, "I never joke about cock size, Theodore, you should know that."

"Okay." Ted shrugged and blushed a little. "I don't want to stretch myself out too much, I always try to use a dildo smaller than my partner."

"Huh." Brian made a notation. "So you'd think that 9.5 inches, cut, and this big," he made a circle with hand, "is too big for every day use?"

"For me, yeah. Emmett wouldn't though. Justin probably wouldn't either or Michael for that matter."

"You're _such_ a switch Teddy." Brian teased.

"What's this all about anyway? What does dildo size have to do with business decisions?"

"I've been toying with the idea of having a dildo made of my cock for Justin's birthday. Then I thought, why give it to just Justin? Wouldn't the world be a better place if everyone could be fucked by me?"

Brian kept a straight face while Ted laughed just to see him squirm. "Think about it, Ted. Think about all those guys I _didn't_ fuck. Guys like you. Women like Cynthia. There's a whole world of people out there that I can't or won't fuck. It's tragic."

"You are so fucking full of yourself."

"Not yet," Brian stuck his tongue in his cheek and waited a beat. "But I could be."

Ted shook his head back and forth. "Oh god. I can see it now." Laughing so hard he could barely get enough breath to speak, Ted choked out "it'll be all over Liberty Street. Legendary top Brian Kinney, turned bottom boy by his own cock."

"I was thinking something more along the lines of…" Brian held one arm in front of him as if he were pointing at a billboard and reading it out loud. "Legendary top Brian Kinney molds dildo after own cock, spreads orgasms across the planet and wins Nobel Piece of Ass. It could be my contribution to charity, for the rest of my life." Brian picked up his pen and started taking notes again. "I'm serious, Ted. If I can replicate my cock and sell it for a price everyone could afford, I could change the world." He looked up from his pad and caught Ted's eye. "Think of all the relationships I could save: fags, dykes, heteros. It would have to work with a harness, can't you see Lindsay fucking Melanie with my cock next time she's pissed off at her?"

"Brian!" Ted shuddered. "I could have lived my entire life without that visual."

"Sorry." Brian snickered obviously not sorry at all. "How about acrylic? Those seem just as good as glass, and there's no worry about nicks ..."


End file.
